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I just want to laugh again...

Friday, April 11, 2008

The past few weeks has been super hard for me. An emotional roller coaster... with very few highs but a million steep slops down... downs that are not seen coming.

About two weeks ago a friend from college had her second miscarriage. She was a t 16 weeks. My heart breaks for her especially as they do not have any children to go home to. My children over the past two years have certainly helped me heal after each miscarriage!

This week I cried through what would have been the due date of this third miscarriage Pernell and I have had in the past two years. A moment harder then the last two and much more emotional for me for some unknown reason.

Last week I heard from my sister as she lost a close friend. Less then a week later they tried to celebrate the first birthday of this friends youngest child. They face next week the funeral and again try to find a way to say good bye.

Today I wept with my sister on the phone as she told me of a close friend we had grown up with. She now lives down the road from my sister. Yesterday she appeared at my sister's door to tell her the six and a half month child that she still carried in her womb had died. Today she is delivering her daughter. Not in the moment of happiness, joy and wonder that we think of at a birth. Today they will shed many tears of sorrow, disbelief and not being able to understand. Our friends parents are out of the country and now flying back. They have some very tight connections. Please pray that they make it safely so they can be with their daughter.

I am tiered. I don't want to cry any more. I want my heart to stop physically hurting. I want feel natural when I smile. I want to laugh again... really laugh, feel good laughing. I want to stop hurting. I don't want to be sad any more. I don't want to have to hide my tears from my children any more...

I want something special to happen in my life. I really think I am looking for a miracle.

I just don't want to be this me any more...

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:

    You're so loved Margie!


  1. Blogger Tara said:

    oh Margie, my heart hurts for you.

    it took me a long time to heal after my fourth miscarriage and I vividly remember feeling like I just wanted to feel ok again. So hard to hide the tears from the other kids, from the church etc.

    And just as I was starting to feel ok again I found out that I was pregnant with Olivia. It was a surprise and I was so scared I was going to lose her too. Obviously she arrived safe and sound but the babies I lost shadowed my joy all through my pregnancy. They also are why I decided to get my tubes tied after Olivia. Our mother hearts can only take so much.

    Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I hurt for you and I am praying too.

  1. Anonymous Jen K said:

    Margie - I love you. I am praying for a miracle so that you can have a really good laugh.

  1. Blogger Leslie said:


    So sorry for all of these losses and the sadness that is yours.

    You will laugh again and something really special will happen too.

    I don't know when but I know it will.

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