The past few weeks has been super hard for me. An emotional roller coaster... with very few highs but a million steep slops down... downs that are not seen coming.

About two weeks ago a friend from college had her second miscarriage. She was a t 16 weeks. My heart breaks for her especially as they do not have any children to go home to. My children over the past two years have certainly helped me heal after each miscarriage!

This week I cried through what would have been the due date of this third miscarriage Pernell and I have had in the past two years. A moment harder then the last two and much more emotional for me for some unknown reason.

Last week I heard from my sister as she lost a close friend. Less then a week later they tried to celebrate the first birthday of this friends youngest child. They face next week the funeral and again try to find a way to say good bye.

Today I wept with my sister on the phone as she told me of a close friend we had grown up with. She now lives down the road from my sister. Yesterday she appeared at my sister's door to tell her the six and a half month child that she still carried in her womb had died. Today she is delivering her daughter. Not in the moment of happiness, joy and wonder that we think of at a birth. Today they will shed many tears of sorrow, disbelief and not being able to understand. Our friends parents are out of the country and now flying back. They have some very tight connections. Please pray that they make it safely so they can be with their daughter.

I am tiered. I don't want to cry any more. I want my heart to stop physically hurting. I want feel natural when I smile. I want to laugh again... really laugh, feel good laughing. I want to stop hurting. I don't want to be sad any more. I don't want to have to hide my tears from my children any more...

I want something special to happen in my life. I really think I am looking for a miracle.

I just don't want to be this me any more...