This is how it is for now...
Tuesday, October 23, 2007I lay in that hospital bed and looked down at my baby boy. He lay on a towel and was the length of my hand. What could have been. I could have laughed with him, hugged him, watched him toddle after his siblings. I wanted to see more then anything that look on his father's face when he was held for the first time. I wanted to see the pride as daddy showed him off to the world. I wanted to hear the joy in my other children's voices as they shared the news. I wanted... I missed.. it could have been...
I feel guilty that I can't cry some days. I should cry, or should I be angry? I feel confused that I can't explain this to my children and sad that they are having a hard time understanding. I hate to see the sadness sweep over my husbands face when he doesn't know I am watching. I see how he holds his children tight and never can get enough hugs from them. I feel like a burden when my husband worries about me, yet feel so blessed that he is so caring and kind.
I want to laugh again. Really really laugh. I want to feel the joy of life shine on me like a beautiful summer day. I want to face each day thinking there is hope and fullness... I know there is but I can't quite reach it yet. It hangs just out of reach taunting me.
For now... I know I am loved, I know I am held close in my Father's hands, I know that tomorrow may be better than today but also might be worse. Yet in knowing all of this, for now... I hurt, I work on healing, and recognize all the blessings I have.
It is ok to cry.
It is ok if I can't...
Man - I love you. Thank you for your honesty, friend.
2:44 PM