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This is how it is for now...

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I can't tell you how blessed I am to have three beautiful children. Every time I enter a room where they are my heart leaps. I can't ever get enough hugs from them, love them enough or am able to take in every moment they grow and mature. The feeling I have about my children is indescribable. I love watching as they admire their father. I love as they tell us things they are so proud of accomplishing. I love watching them interact. I love my children.

I lay in that hospital bed and looked down at my baby boy. He lay on a towel and was the length of my hand. What could have been. I could have laughed with him, hugged him, watched him toddle after his siblings. I wanted to see more then anything that look on his father's face when he was held for the first time. I wanted to see the pride as daddy showed him off to the world. I wanted to hear the joy in my other children's voices as they shared the news. I wanted... I missed.. it could have been...

I feel guilty that I can't cry some days. I should cry, or should I be angry? I feel confused that I can't explain this to my children and sad that they are having a hard time understanding. I hate to see the sadness sweep over my husbands face when he doesn't know I am watching. I see how he holds his children tight and never can get enough hugs from them. I feel like a burden when my husband worries about me, yet feel so blessed that he is so caring and kind.

I want to laugh again. Really really laugh. I want to feel the joy of life shine on me like a beautiful summer day. I want to face each day thinking there is hope and fullness... I know there is but I can't quite reach it yet. It hangs just out of reach taunting me.

For now... I know I am loved, I know I am held close in my Father's hands, I know that tomorrow may be better than today but also might be worse. Yet in knowing all of this, for now... I hurt, I work on healing, and recognize all the blessings I have.

It is ok to cry.

It is ok if I can't...

  1. Blogger Krista Jefferson Photography said:

    Man - I love you. Thank you for your honesty, friend.

  1. Blogger Jodi said:

    (((HUGS Margie)))

    God will heal your heart. Have faith that each new days brings a chance for joy and tears.

  1. Blogger Jaci said:

    We're praying for you and your family Margie...cry or don't cry, I don't think there's a right way to respond to this. Hope the sun shines again for you soon.

  1. Blogger Bill Kinnon said:

    Thanks for writing this - as hard as it is. Your transparency is freeing for a lot of the rest of us.

    Know that you, Pernell and the kids are in our thoughts and prayers.

  1. Blogger Tara said:

    my heart grieves for you and the loss of your son. My prayers are with you.

  1. Blogger Elle Pyke said:

    all i can say is shalom. i trust in the God that will make the sun shine for you again. in Him i will rest my trust, and pray that you too can rest yours there.

  1. Blogger Darryl said:

    Thanks for a beautifully moving post and your honesty.

  1. Blogger wilsonian said:

    I'm thankful this baby boy knew your love while he was with you... it's a precious gift you've given.

  1. Blogger Melissa said:

    Margie,

    Your heart is beautiful. You continually amaze me with how you handle these unfortunate situations that you have had to bear. I long to see you laugh again. I know that God is protecting you and that He is there to comfort you, to wipe your tears, and to listen to the anger that you feel. You care for so many, and now it is our turn to care for you. Thank you for your honesty and authenticity. My words can't be of much comfort at a time like this but you know I am always here to talk to, cry with, and to give big hugs when needed! Love you and your beautiful family SO much!

    Continually praying...

    Melissa

  1. Anonymous Laura said:

    My heart aches for you.

  1. Anonymous sada said:

    you are amazing....know that i'm thinking about you and praying for you...

  1. Blogger Dawn said:

    You are beautifully honest and vulnerable. Your strength is amazing. Continually praying and standing with you in grief.

  1. Blogger miranda said:

    These words have been spoken already, but i feel them too from the deepest parts of my heart.

    Thank you for sharing. Your strength is great and inspiring. You are beautiful. I think these things every time we speak/type!

    You make SO many laugh and feel loved. I pray you feel the same from us. You will never be a burden. Lean on us.

    Praying and can't stop thinking of you and the family. You guys mean so, so much to me.

  1. Blogger Al said:

    Thanks for sharing this Margie. You thoughts brought tears to my eyes for you and it brought back feeling fromwhen we lost our baby.

    Love you and your family immensely.

  1. Blogger Lori said:

    You are so strong for sharing. Thank you. We love you.
    Hoping the sun shines down on you today:)

  1. Blogger Julia said:

    Thinking of you... so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing. I hope the support of your family and friends nearby will cradle your heart in God's love.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:

    predicting the path of grief is like predicting the path of a prairie river - it seems it can't be done but in that picture may the friends God has given you be the ever-present grass in a prairie breeze - a soft collective sigh - a gentle caring that says "this community cares about you and your family".
    We hurt with you, Margie, and we are very sorry for your loss.
    sc

  1. Anonymous Jen K said:

    I love you Margie. Your raw honesty is inspiring...you are an amazing woman and I pray for shalom.

  1. Blogger headphonaught said:

    Big love from Motherwell. Can't imagine how you feel... but know you are in the Lord's hands.

    Thomas & Olwyn
    Motherwell, Scotland

  1. Anonymous Adam said:

    Peace to you. My wife and I have experienced some of the same. I'm sorry.

    We're hoping for you.

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