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A Fear I Have

Monday, May 14, 2007

I have posted about this before, I think. I have a fear of certain people in my life dying. From a very young age I can remember fearing that my mom will die. Since I have been married I fear Pernell will die. It is part of who I am. There may be some theories to this. One being people who have been abandoned (either positively, ie adoption, or negatively, ie. left by a parent with no explanation or put into the fostering system) often have the constant fear of either the ones closest to them leaving or dieing. I was adopted at birth, yet studies have shown that even in this healthy situation people can still have the fear of abandonment.

All that said, I have been corresponding with an old friend from elementary and then high school. I knew her, her sister and her parents pretty well at the time. I have learned that eight years ago she lost her father and then just a few weeks ago her mother passed away. Wept as I read this. My heart ached for her as I realized what she must be feeling, yet I couldn't imagine what she must be feeling.

I realized how much older my mom is, then I realized just how young her parents were, how young she is. I need to work through this as I had a bit of a panic about the fact I actually have to face the fact that my mom won't live forever.

That is all... I just needed to let it out.

  1. Blogger Jodi said:


    I often worry that our daughter (whom we adopted) will harbor these kinds of feelings. It is good to share them.

    A fear is never as scary once it is exposed.

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