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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I think it is hard to admit that one is scared of something if it is a true fear. For most adopted people, either adopted from birth or adopted at an older age there is a fear of abandonment. That can be seen in many ways and to many different degrees.

For as long as I can remember, I have had the fear of my mother dying. Sometimes I have dreamt it and thought it so real I have woken up not knowing what was real and what was the dream. Lately, I fear the death of other close people around me. I have almost a looming feeling of death just around the corner.

For me this is scary... disturbing... I can't quite shake this. I'm almost angry about this feeling.

Today a friend prayed for me. I heard the words as they ran down my body and soul as if water from a shower. It is the first time in a long time I have felt the suttle shift to peace. I'm not there yet... Jesus knows this as he helps me wake each morning and face reality.

I don't want to cry anymore, but I can't stop. It hurts now. I don't want to be angry, I'm tiered of not understanding and scared of the unknown.

But today being scared is ok.

  1. Blogger Jodi said:

    (((Big Hugs Margie)))

    I am awed by this feeling you have. Our daughter, who is adopted, will always have a secure home and family and I know this but I never stopped to think she didn't.

    I hope the sun shines on you soon.

  1. Anonymous krista said:

    Much love...

    Thanks for being brave on so many levels.

  1. Blogger Leslie said:

    wish we were closer.

  1. Blogger Alison said:

    Talking is helpful. Whether to a friend or a professional, and some time alone to just be you is a bonus.

  1. Blogger J.C. said:

    Love you Margie. Love your honesty.

  1. Blogger Family Of Five said:

    Hmmmm.... this is interesting to me... from a couple perspectives. I have a 13 yr old daughter who's mom is a big jerk... she lives with my hubby and I and hasn't seen her mom since Feb.... we talk with counsellors all the time because she has so many abandonment issues and I just can't quite understand it. I know she has a safe secure home here... but I guess she will always question in her mind if she is 'dispsable' to us too... because her mom just pops in and out of her life whenever she feels like it. I guess it is something she will always struggle with! On the other side of things... I wasn't adopted.... my parents were always and sill are here for me... but I too have always had the looming feelings of death. I remember being a little girl and my dad got hurt in a hockey game I was bawling and terrified he was going to die! For as long as I can remember I have had the fear of my dad dying! My hubby think I am neurotic because I don't even like to drive in a different car from my kids because I don't want them to die without me... "we all go together" I tell him... morbid... but I am constantly afraid of loosing those who are my entire world! I do understand... thanks for sharing!

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