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Fog (and other analogies)

Monday, July 24, 2006

I grew up in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Looking back at those years there are some things I hold onto as memories and moments I will never forget.

Fog is one of those things. I loved sitting at the breakfast table and watching as the fog rolled down the street. Slowly I would be able to see more and more houses until I could see the one at the far end. Every time this occurred, I knew which house was going to come next, yet I still watched with anticipation. Sometimes for fun I would shut my eyes and count to ten and see how fast the fog had rolled back. As I got older I found fog comforting, that is when I was at home, knowing what was coming next. If I was out driving or being driven somewhere it was the feeling of not knowing what was coming, not scared yet feeling like I didn't have control.

I went to one school from kindergarten to grade five, from grade five to grade ten at another school and grades eleven and twelve at another school. Those two times I changed school I can clearly remember the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing my physical surroundings, not knowing the people, not knowing the rules... After a while it was different yet I had a better understanding of myself in the situation. For grades eleven and twelve, I never felt the school to be mine, yet it became the new norm. I accepted it as everyday life, tolerating it.

I have always been able to define myself. In high school I was a swimming teacher and I worked in an elementary after-school program. In college I was a student, fiance and I worked at camp. After college I was a wife and daycare teacher. Becoming a parent put bolder lines on what life was all about for me as a wife and now parent. I have always loved who I am, what I was striving for and what I poured out.

Now I am in a fog. I know what is coming each day because I have definition in my life- I am a wife, I am a parent, I work outside of the home. I can close my eyes now, count to ten and know what is coming. It is not as defined, a bit of a haze to it, yet it still comes and I live it. There is no bold outline to me anymore. I have walked into a new school and am trying to fit in. I want the normal in my life back. I can't imagine that I will except me as the new normal, or slowly over time will this be the new me.

I'm splashing in a pool, enjoying myself unless the water gets in my face... actually it feels like the game has changed to just splashing me in the face. I laugh because I don't want to be a poor sport... the game sucks.

I feel lost and blundering. Every day comes and goes, but I can't remember it happening the next day. I usually am pulled together and know what order to go in... not now. I just can't explain myself, or understand me.

After seeing and hearing on Sunday I realize how blessed I am in spirit, family, being alive, physical stuff, and so much more. I also realize how much I have done wrong in life. The blame game is not supposed to be played... I can't help it. I feel like I have let myself down, God down, my family, my friends. The thoughts of what could have been can not be shut off. The sorrow can't run out, the fear of what now-even though there is nothing to fear. The not knowing who I am or where I'm going. Trying to figure out my physical self when it is not who I have ever been before.

I have never seen fog in a building. I am walking in a new school. The hall is full of fog. As it rolls down the hall, I don't even know what is coming next.

  1. Blogger Melissa said:

    Margie,
    I look at you as one of the most put together people I have ever met. You truly seek to live life to the fullest loving everyone around you. Your friends and family are all taken good care of and we appreciate it so much. I am sorry that I haven't noticed how much you are struggling and what I can do to help. I often times look past the person because of fear of not knowing what to say or do to help out. I hope that you know that I love you lots and consider you and your family part of my extended family. If ever there is anything I can do to help you in any way I hope you don't hesitate to let me know what that is. I will be praying for you over the next while that God will help you to see what lies at the end of that fog and that you will seek and know what it is that he wants for you and your life. Margie, you are so special! Thanks for being you!

  1. Anonymous jen said:

    Margie, I love you.

  1. Blogger Jodi said:

    Look for God's hand. Somewhere in that fog he is reaching out to guide you.

    Sending lots of hugs your way Margie.

  1. Blogger Jaci said:

    Thinking about you Margie, hope the fog clears for you soon. I have no idea how you are feeling but know there are so many people who care about you and love you! Thanks for posting, thinking about you all the time!

  1. Blogger Leslie said:

    Don't know what to say. I feel bad that you are experiencing what you are. I feel bad that I am not there to help or listen or chat or cry or hug. I feel bad that I can't make things all better.

    But I am glad to be a friend (however distant) {sniff} and journey with you.

    Don't forget, if you need a get-away I'm just a plane ride away. Or...we could go somewhere for a girls week..oh that sounds good.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous said:

    Margie:

    I love your authenticity - a helpful companion on your quest out of the fog...

    Love from a fellow fog-dwelling mom of 3 in Winnipeg.

  1. Anonymous Samantha said:

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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