I grew up in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Looking back at those years there are some things I hold onto as memories and moments I will never forget.

Fog is one of those things. I loved sitting at the breakfast table and watching as the fog rolled down the street. Slowly I would be able to see more and more houses until I could see the one at the far end. Every time this occurred, I knew which house was going to come next, yet I still watched with anticipation. Sometimes for fun I would shut my eyes and count to ten and see how fast the fog had rolled back. As I got older I found fog comforting, that is when I was at home, knowing what was coming next. If I was out driving or being driven somewhere it was the feeling of not knowing what was coming, not scared yet feeling like I didn't have control.

I went to one school from kindergarten to grade five, from grade five to grade ten at another school and grades eleven and twelve at another school. Those two times I changed school I can clearly remember the feeling of not knowing. Not knowing my physical surroundings, not knowing the people, not knowing the rules... After a while it was different yet I had a better understanding of myself in the situation. For grades eleven and twelve, I never felt the school to be mine, yet it became the new norm. I accepted it as everyday life, tolerating it.

I have always been able to define myself. In high school I was a swimming teacher and I worked in an elementary after-school program. In college I was a student, fiance and I worked at camp. After college I was a wife and daycare teacher. Becoming a parent put bolder lines on what life was all about for me as a wife and now parent. I have always loved who I am, what I was striving for and what I poured out.

Now I am in a fog. I know what is coming each day because I have definition in my life- I am a wife, I am a parent, I work outside of the home. I can close my eyes now, count to ten and know what is coming. It is not as defined, a bit of a haze to it, yet it still comes and I live it. There is no bold outline to me anymore. I have walked into a new school and am trying to fit in. I want the normal in my life back. I can't imagine that I will except me as the new normal, or slowly over time will this be the new me.

I'm splashing in a pool, enjoying myself unless the water gets in my face... actually it feels like the game has changed to just splashing me in the face. I laugh because I don't want to be a poor sport... the game sucks.

I feel lost and blundering. Every day comes and goes, but I can't remember it happening the next day. I usually am pulled together and know what order to go in... not now. I just can't explain myself, or understand me.

After seeing and hearing on Sunday I realize how blessed I am in spirit, family, being alive, physical stuff, and so much more. I also realize how much I have done wrong in life. The blame game is not supposed to be played... I can't help it. I feel like I have let myself down, God down, my family, my friends. The thoughts of what could have been can not be shut off. The sorrow can't run out, the fear of what now-even though there is nothing to fear. The not knowing who I am or where I'm going. Trying to figure out my physical self when it is not who I have ever been before.

I have never seen fog in a building. I am walking in a new school. The hall is full of fog. As it rolls down the hall, I don't even know what is coming next.