So I went to the Dr today. Very hard. It was really like putting closure to this whole shitty situation. Good in a sense. They were very kind, compassionate and loving. It touched me that in this day and age my Dr would, with welled up eyes, say, "I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that this is someone so close to you and such a big part of your family. Time will help heal you, your heart and your family. I am again sorry for the loss of your child." So many times in reading, when I was pregnant, baby was referred to as if it wasn't a baby. To know that there still is a Dr in this world that thinks of a fetus as a child is wonderful!

I'm healthy as a damn horse. I should be happy... no! It really makes me mad actually. Shit. I mean shouldn't there be something wrong with me.

I kicked the coffee table as I walked by last night and had more physical pain then I have since the miscarriage. What the hell is up with that.

I had this week off work and I am at the point of feeling useless. Stir crazy, dumb, lazy, out of it, and I could go on...

I have diarrhea. The Dr has explained that as my hormones balance out,t this happens. I weigh less now then I have in... well a few years. It is the shits knowing I have strived for a smaller waist line for so long... now I get it because of this. Damn.

What lays ahead is the hard part... talking to the teachers, seeing my work family (knowing I am supported there yet it almost makes me sadder), explaining to my clients, having the conversation with those who haven't heard...

So to hell with the world and the shitty times that lay ahead... tonight I'm eating chocolate, shits or not.